Being Darling
Dru Dubrov
One o’clock
My ears are burning in the cold and they are about to sliver through my cheeks, separating my jaw bones. I shaved my face this morning—trying something new; “the establishment of routines is a poetic of the soul,” said my uncle Solli. Already, I can feel the follicle standing like pin feathers on a blistered chicken. Heat and cold will cook or preserve to the same extremes. I smell the abject solitude of over-watered eyes freezing on wind-charred flesh. My face is sleeted—I smell my own flesh freezing and I glimpse its organic—carbon, charred—tempered and trusted mortality. The sound of the holiday carrousel in the central plaza makes me think of unfinished housework and I sob uncontrollably like a snow-sled in the ocean, all the way to my green-glass office building. I take the stairs up to my mahogany door on the third floor in order to avoid other office renters whom I don’t know, but who still try and talk to me, anyhow.
Two o’clock
Sitting in the office, and staring at my wall. I think that this is not my office, and how arduous it can be to rent for so long. And, as if it had heard these aching thoughts, my watch exudes a viscous puss of time. Cheryl calls me—the puss of minutes has oozed into my cell phone, making it ring—little demons inside feeding on the rotten discharges of pre-paid and wasted seconds. I answer with the dread of the cat in a crate on his way to be poked, prodded and USDA certified.
“Hello…” I say ‘hello’ slowly and softly, because you have to be civil if you want to keep a girlfriend, it seems.
“Hello?” She asks. As if the connection was gone.
“Hello…” I say again.
“Hey Darling! what time is dinner tonight?”
“Dinner…, umm…” Dammit!
“Yeah, dinner…”
“…um…seven-thirty?” As good a time as any, I think.
“Okay, I’ll pick you up at seven.”
She’ll pick me up. Like a prisoner. Do I dare cooperate?
“Alright. Miss you…” I cooperate.
“Bye darling.”
I’m someone’s darling, which is like being constantly satiated to the extent ambrosia can fatten a soul. But the darling is a soul—a memory like a wax-paper-pressed ream of autumn’s leaves—that that sweet season should be preserved and lived over and over again as a lamp. I am cocooned with significance in her darling and my heart races for fear that I will hatch, a half-formed larva, and lie naked in the dread air, gasping for my cocoon to entrap me into her darling again. I dread the hatching—frightened that the blisters of pussy time will ooze into my cocoon and that she will be so impelled to call me, no longer darling, but hideous silence.
Three o’clock
Reasoned fear of my computer comes like a cruel baton flying around the room. The bug inside the machine is a mutating garble of DNA. I am scared it will give me bird flu. Then, I will grow a beak and unwittingly bob and peck through, in staccatos, penetrating the thin silky covertures of what makes me darling. The bug extends to the office telephone set and I let my manager talk to the sobriety of my outgoing message. I sit back on the couch and the watch the stacks and papers cluttering my desk.
“…Ivan…hey, well, the University is closing their press—we could go more commercial, but then we would have to get out of some legal mess and hope that the market wants your essays in a larger distribution. I think Miami might be interested. I’ll call Mark there and see what he says.”
I replay the message until I can repeat it along with Joe. Then, I hear the cat’s tongue in the office next to mine—it’s Arlen the cat, Mr. Rosenbaum’s tabby. The sound is like sand paper on prison bars. Arlen is licking her asshole and looking cruelly for Mr. Rosenbaum, whom time has beaten into a mess of viscous oxygen tubes after eighty years of its affliction. I have his key but am frightened that his time will pass to me if I answer is phone and feed the cat.
Four o’clock
As I leave the office I don’t smell my own frozen flesh, which is good. But, somehow it doesn’t feel quite puss-y enough to be four o’clock. The day has grown mild. Quickly, I pass the carousel and leave its monotonous clunking behind. Then, I pray that my watch and car clock-radio and the rest of the news anchors are not playing a game, in which I am the victim, and its not really four o’clock at all. During the ride home, I hoarsely take in glimpses of autumn’s leaves, grieving like a throaty robin in a sycamore. I switch the radio station as I mount the freeway entrance ramp. Kate Smith is singing ‘G-d Bless America’. ‘G-d Bless America’, I think, and ‘Sim Shalom’, both written by a Jew—a whine for peace or a piece of the pie—we’re supposed to be smart—we should be able to get all of our pie pieces with ease…except in the sports category. Even as I drive home, it feels like I’m losing a race.
Now, the puss of time has lost me and I am temporarily free of its constraints. I roll down, the windows and feel the fresh breeze on my four o’clock shadow. I breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe—Stand Beside her, and guide her, through the night with the light from...
Half-Past four
I never really wanted to ask G-d for anything—I was never brought up to believe in Santa Clauses. But I did try to remind G-d a few times a year that I was trying to do a decent job. Once, a very famous rabbi was tortured in the belly of a whale until he grew the beard of a sage—he wrote a prayer after that. He didn’t ask for anything, just poetry.
My gas is running low, now. I pull into a station, stopping at pump three, behind a Lincoln Town Car. I flip the switch that will open my tank like a Rhineland cowboy. They would call me Alsatian Ivan and I would get back on my Horse and ride out into the Bavarian highland. Yee-haw!
My fantasy ends and I get out of my car and the smell of gasoline beards me like an Exxon merchant marine. I swim in the toxic perfume…enraptured in its lusty noxiousness. The owner of the Lincoln returns from paying inside the Quick-Shop. He rolls his tank along at his side, wires protruding from his nose. Mr. Rosenbaum. He is the eater of daily dreams; the scourge of memory to come. Senility has left brown streaks of forgotten wisdom to him. I duck behind the pump, sweating, blistering, pussing in my mind. He was once the World Champion swimmer of the Catskills, but is now given to age’s panoramic claims, such as his World War Two squadron’s successful assassination of Hitler and Eva Braun. His mother’s maiden name was Cohen, and he lord’s his birthright over all his peers. At the age of eighty-three, he wears short-shorts—the proof of his circumcision peeks out when he sits. I am relieved when he leaves without seeing me, his Lincoln Town Car riding off into the changing leaves. I feel guilty for my ruse, get my gas on plastic, and upon leaving, I think that it’s funny that I’ve used one oil commodity in order to buy another.
Five Minutes After Half-Past Four
When I get back in the car, I forget who I am for a moment. I repeat my name in the rear-view mirror one-thousand-and-three times and cry with the hum of my engine. I turn on the radio again; Kate Smith is still singing…The augur of a hawk sweeps over my windshield and I pass a run-down train platform: “This is my town/ O! tedious squalor/ Where is your Gate to Out/ You rusty bunghole!”...Ten more blocks and then Kate Smith concludes…My home sweet home.
Approaching Five o’clock
I walk into my rented ranch-home. I always am renting space and time. Getting published is like getting free rent and that is why it is my goal. I keep this in mind when I cross the threshold and greet my four cats like I am Snow-White. Herschel, Isaac, Zelda and Ethel are each Twenty-Two years old. For my seventh birthday, all four of my grandparents wanted to give me a cat. But they could not agree on one kitten, so each went behind the other’s back and bought me one each. Ethel limps forward on all three of her legs and walks past me in favor of scratching at the sofa. She keeps flipping to her right whenever she mounts the couch, pivoting on her sole hind leg. She dangles by her right paw until I relieve her of the apparent strain on her claws.
Isaac the cat is molting. But I figure that if he, at twenty-two, is only molting, then the viscous puss of time has been rather kind. His bald patches drag him pathetically across the floor. He drinks his water and coughs up the puss of age and blood. He is not as well as I think. Once, when I was nine, I shaved Isaac during Passover to make him my darling.
Jet black Zelda meows with the timbre of her pussy throatiness, beatifying the new hour’s arrival. “Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!” she says, and then she slinks off to cross some unlucky stranger on the sidewalk
Herschel isn’t moving. He sleeps always in Isaacs litter. Day addicts, I think…the night is coming to withdraw you; to cocoon you in her “darling”. I refresh their food and water, sit in my favorite chair and contemplate what I should wear to dinner.
Six o’clock
I wake up from an inadvertent nap to the scratchy moisture of Isaac licking my face and leaving patches of fur on my chest. Isaac’s distinct scent drives me to the need to shower.
Undressing I see myself in the mirror and laugh that I look like such an adult. After sliding open the shower door, I turn the hand and play with the faucets until I find a temperature that suits me and I plunge in. But I have worn my watch into the shower. Suddenly, the viscous puss of time water-logs the precious jewelry, the cogs rust in an instant and the face fogs, unable to gaze out at me any longer. The puss of time washes down into the drain and fishes for flies in the sewer all the way along until it reaches the confines and combustibles of that water treatment facility, there. The watch is ruined; I am free of its puss-y constraints. I leave the shower, dry off and shave again. The air feels wondrously normal against my cheeks and the nape of my neck. In moments, putting together a shirt and slacks becomes a game. Jacket? Of course! Tie? Of course not!
Cheryl honks and I scramble out of the doorway in a good humor. The cats all hearken to me as if I were unfamiliar. Isaac scrambles behind the couch when he sees me. I hear him began to hack as I close the door.
Cheryl is in the Taurus. Time is not important. I have all of my neuroses gathered up like a troop of kids at summer camp. Lights out! will be strictly enforced.
I walk with sufficient jaunt and get into Cheryl’s Taurus. She leans over and asks me where we are going to eat. I tell her ‘Arnaud’s’. She say s that she ‘thought so’, and leans over to give me an embrace. I comply, even though I hate the car-reach over embrace.
“Mmm…” she says, “you smell wonderful.” Isaac hacks up some more puss. I can hear it coming from the house even as I get into her Taurus.
“You smell purdy,” I say and she laughs. I smile.
“Where are we going to eat?”
“Arnuad’s,” I say without hesitation. Even though I haven’t even bothered to call ahead and play the Arnaud’s game, I don’t worry myself.
“Great! I love Arnaud’s,” she says.
I smile and say that I knew she loved Arnaud’s and that that is why I have chosen it.
Cheryl smiles at me, taking her eyes off of the road. She swerves a bit and I start to get a little nervous. She turns her head back to where it should be and says, “You’re so darling.” I sink back into the car and revel in the security of my seat-belt. Lights blur past as the day grows darker.
“How was the office, today?”
“We’re going to try Miami.”
“Are you going to quit at the community college if everything goes through.”
I’m surprisingly relaxed with the conversation. “Yes,” I say, “maybe go on the job market for a, dare I say, professorship somewhere.”
“That’d be darling,” Cheryl says.
“Yep,” I say, “darling.” And, as I say the word that carries all of my anxieties, we pull into the parking lot nearest Arnaud’s.
* * *
We walk two blocks before we reach Arnaud’s. In the car, I couldn’t tell, but now I see that Cheryl is wearing a white blouse with a lace overlay. The patterns are swirling and free, yet frank. She also wears a turquoise skirt. Her face crinkles up when she smiles and as we walk, she reaches for my hand. I take her think and tactile fingers in a loose grip. Rounding a busy intersection, the smell of the city rises from the street-vents and envelops our fresh clothes. Arnaud’s is on our right after we have rounded the corner. It’s a mild evening but the terrace at Arnaud’s is already closed for the impending winter. “Moondance” is playing inside the little crowded dining room. I like that Arnaud’s is crowded to its own wood beams and red walls. I like the anonymity a crowded restaurant gives; Arnaud’s is especially wonderful on account of its tables not being too close together.
A well-trimmed man at the bar that is to the left when we walk into Arnaud’s asks if we have made a reservation for the evening. I am about to say that we do not have a reservation. I don’t believe in reservations; I like to sit and people-watch before I am relaxed enough to digest my dinner. But, before I can say anything, Cheryl steps up to the barman and says—“Yeah, we are two for darling.” She crinkles her face in a smile as we are directed to follow the barman. I am not happy.
* * *
We sit at the table, waiting for wine that Cheryl has chosen; it’s a Bordeaux—too classic. Where’s the spontaneity?
“You’ll love it, darling,” she reassures me after seeing the face I’d tried so hard to suppress. And then its over, I glance at her wrist and see the surviving twin of our matching watches. The puss of time mounts and I feel it, like an acid fly, jitter up through my spinal column.
“What do you think about us?” Cheryl asks me.
“‘Two for darling,’” I say
“…Don’t you think we’re good for one another…?”
“Am I that predictable?”
“…And seeing as we’ve been together for so long…”
“Maybe I didn’t want reservation for a reason,” I reason.
“…Maybe we ought to get married for our own health.”
“I wanted to sit and chat and people watch.”
“Calm down.”
“Did you ever think that I might not have wanted to be settled this soon!”
“Well, that a bit rude!” she says.
“I’m not even relaxed yet; I can’t even digest anything yet!”
“Hello,” a waiter pops up and tells us a list of twenty-five ingredients that have been used to encrust ducks and lambs this evening. I’ve never known exactly what a rutabaga is and I am tempted to ask, but Cheryl asks him to come back.
“I’m taling about getting married,” she says.
I feel myself slipping out of the darling.
“I need to think about this alone,” I say, “I think I should go home.”
“Let’s talk about it now,” she says.
“I don’t want to right here.”
I get from the table and start to walk off. Her frankness about our situation hearkens to its own severity. I sit back down.
“What did you get up for,” she says. “You are so dramatic.”
We pass a quiet dinner. She drives me home; sex isn’t even an option. She tells me to call her in the morning. Isaac hacks up a puss-ball. I vacuum until the sound of the motor tires me out.
I listen to my mother on the message machine:
“So, you’re Brother Ricky called me and told me that you told him that you’re going to dinner with Cheryl tonight Arnaud’s. Then, Ricky told me that he had talked to grandma and she had told Ricky that Mr. Rosenbaum had called my her so that she would call Ricky who would call me and tell me that he had seen you at the Gas Station up on Kramer and that he was disappointed and thought that you were rude for avoiding him and not saying hello and that you were purposefully hiding and ‘did he think that Mr. Rosenbaum wouldn’t notice you ignoring him’. I hope you weren’t rude, because I said that I didn’t think that any son of mine would purposefully be rude but that even you try to avoid Mr. Rosenbaum, don’t worry. I would have done the same thing rather than talk to that man in his short shorts. One time, I swear that his peeper’s tip was sticking out!”
There’s another:
“So your aunt Silvia calls me and says that she’s seen her sister’s son arguing with nice girl in the middle of Arnaud’s and that she sees my all angry. She’s a really nice girl. She’s so nice. Oh, she the nicest. You should be so lucky!”
I go to the bedroom and pass out. Knowing full well that tomorrow I’ll look out through a cracked cocoon.